I really need a job. I feel really broken down right now. That sounds stupid, I know, to be depressed about not having a job when I'm only 16, but lately it seems like everything I want to do requires money. It doesn't really help when you add in the fact that I have to pay for everything I want or need. Rarely does Dad ever buy things for me. I don't know, I just feel so much like I've been left out in the dark. I don't know what to do. Every time I put in an application I raise my hopes, just because maybe that time someone may actually look at it. Lately I've been feeling so stupid, literally. I feel like there's not much to me and that maybe I'm just a superficial idiot who has no experience doing anything and can't find a job. To make matters better, I just received my debit card today, which will for sure be a huge temptation to spend money. I really wish I didn't have to worry about this sort of thing so early on. I keep feeling like I only have the ability to work in a low end job like Western Wats, and numerous times I've thought of going back there, until I remember how much I hated it. I miss Mom. I don't think about her nearly as much as I should. I guess I only think about her when I'm having a hard time. I feel bad that I do that. It seems so rude. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't know where I'm going. I hate my emotions, and I hate that the only thing I can feel lately is hate and anger. I'm going downhill so fast and I can't pick myself up. I feel so numb.

I remember seeing these flowers at Mom's funeral.