Things have been going pretty well lately. I still don't totally know where I am at this point in my life, but oh well, that's what it's like being a teenager I suppose. I feel kind of mediocre about my life. It's neither bad nor good, just mediocre. I could be doing better, but I could also be doing a lot worse, and gladly, I'm not. I still feel this odd void though, and I don't know what is lacking. I do feel very odd not being around Jane, although I told myself that it would be really nice not to have her mess all around the house. While this is true, it's still kind of disappointing to come home and only see like three people... I really enjoyed coming home and seeing Jane and Danny and everyone else... I don't know. I have come to the conclusion, that sometimes I sympathize with people too much, or put myself in their shoes too much. When Rusty got in the little crash today, I couldn't help but wonder how he felt about everything. I don't know, it's so hard to explain, but sometimes I feel like I need to help people because of their issues and emotions they have because of everything. That's one of the reasons why I really want to be a Psychologist. I don't know, maybe it will end up being the wrong thing for me, but right now, it feels pretty good. Anyway, today in Seminary, we talked about things that we may have created, and how the things that you enjoy most, could have been the things you created. Not things like.. food.. and stuff.. but things like nature. I started thinking about that, and came to the conclusion that I must have helped create Fall and Winter, the Rain, and the Colors of everything in Fall. Now I feel like I have at least a little understanding of why I love those things so much. It really got to me that I probably helped create them. I don't know, it made me feel important and really worth it in God's eyes. I know I am, but it's nice to have a little reassurance every now and then. I don't know if I show this in person, but in my heart and in my mind, I know that I am God's, and that he has a deep, deep love for me. I used to get so frustrated because I felt like God may love someone more than he loves me... I know now that's not true, and that was probably all just from my own insecurity. I mean, how could God have given someone else so many more positive experiences, and given me so many negative experiences? He obviously must have loved them more, right? This is how I have felt in the past, but, now I don't... and I know it was wrong to feel that way. God loves each of us equally, and I'm so extremely glad I know that. I don't know... it's so hard to explain the feeling I get when I know that I am God's... Just like.. he cares so much about me, I'm just one little person, among so many other people, yet he cares about me so much that if I have a problem, he can solve it immediately. I've been thinking a lot about the way God must feel when someone drifts from the church or denies it... I don't know how to explain again. Once again, one of those things you just have to feel to know what I mean. I've been trying to write a lot more lately. I think I've figured out some things about how to write a better song or poem or story, whichever it is I'm writing. I'm thinking about writing a story about a guy that's schizophrenic. I don't know. I still have to research more about it, and I might end up writing about a Utopian society with someone who is different, but I don't know, that seems to be written about a lot, and probably wouldn't be very original. I've also thought about combining the two, which would be sort of a strange twist, but who knows. I still have to brainstorm. If I did the two together, I would have to think about how they both can connect to each other.. and I'm not sure how that's going to work out yet. All in all, I think it may come out as a kind of twisted story, which I guess, is sort of how my mind works. To me, that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just take special interest in things of that sort... I don't know... maybe I'm a creep, maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm not normal, but I just really find an extreme interest in things of the psychological nature, and things that teenagers struggle with, like, eating disorders, drugs, dysfunctional families... things of that sort. Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't know... there's just something I love when it comes to learning about those things. I guess I may have, not necessarily morbid, but just a different mind set. It's not like I'm really interested in death and Satan and things of that sort, but I do have a more thoughtful, melancholy state of mind.. I'm not depressed, but, for example, one of the biggest reasons I love The Cure is because of their lyrics. They have such an amazing way at describing feelings with such beautiful words like disintegration, I don't know how anyone couldn't like their lyrics and not to mention their music. So, overall, I guess you could say I have a deeper mind set than just the average mind set... I don't know. Maybe that makes me sound like I'm being full of myself. Who knows? Anyway. Another thing I want to talk about before I leave is the weird feeling I get whenever I'm at concerts. I went to Modest Mouse on Monday night, and it was amazing, but once again, I got that odd feeling. I have no idea how to explain it. I feel like I'm looking into the world's point of view on "fun" and It makes me sad somehow. The world makes everything seem so glamorous, but when you see the effects of everything up close, it's dismal and drab. All I can say, is that I am extremely happy I am a member of the church. I have written a lot tonight, so I guess I will end by giving you lyrics. These are from Joy Division, and I don't even know if they are a good band to like or not, but I like them. Anywho, I really like this song, Shadowplay, and I really like the lyrics... so here go. .. ... .... ..... ...... blargh.

To the centre of the city where all roads meet, waiting for you,

To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank, searching for you,

I was moving through the silence without motion, waiting for you,

In a room with a window in the corner I found truth.

In the shadowplay, acting out your own death, knowing no more,

As the assassins all grouped in four lines, dancing on the floor,

And with cold steel odour on their bodies made a move to connect,

But I could only stare in disbelief as the crowds all left.

I did everything, everything I wanted to,

I let them use you for their own ends,

To the centre of the city in the night, waiting for you.

To the centre of the city in the night, waiting for you.

by the way... Jenny took these pictures... all by herself... at camp... just fyi... she would get mad at me if I didn't say some sort of thing. anywho... enjoy?