The beginning of something better...

Life seems to be moving pretty freely at the moment. I was quite sarcastic today, and life permitted me to be that way. I'm not quite sure if my family, or rather, my step mom, likes my sarcasm. My dad doesn't seem to mind it, but, he's a whole different story. By the way, I would like to congratulate him for his great accomplishment tonight. My grandma was being quite whiny and feeling sorry for her self ish tonight, and he scorned her, much to my liking. I must sound so greedy and jerky, but it just really annoys me, that she uses us so much, and lives here with us, and we take care of her a lot, and do so much for her, yet she complains so very often about how we leave her too often, and then she starts feeling sorry for herself. My dad put an end to that tonight by yelling at her for being so jerky. I was quite satisfied, but then my inner self kind of hates myself for finding joy in a thing such as that. I seem to find joy in some of the rudest things, and I really do hate myself for it. I have changed a lot growing up, and I'm so sad to say that I feel like I'm becoming worse and worse each day, less and less like how I want to be, like my mom. Which brings me once again to her. Things just aren't looking up in that situation. Wednesday will be the 5th anniversary of her death, and it's obviously been weighing my mind down these past few weeks. She seems to be on my mind quite often. When I'm not thinking about how much I despise people at work, or how much I despise people at home, I'm usually thinking about her. I'm having quite a hard time lately with people hurting me also. I'm sure no one is reading this, and I'm sure no one cares, but I guess this is a journal of some sort. I'm having such a hard time coping with the fact that I am rapidly loosing one of my best friend relationships, all because of my attitude while talking to that person. I hate admitting that I am the problem, but I obviously am. They don't seem to mind much when I'm gone, so maybe it's me. Who knows? I'm so utterly confused and hurt by this whole... situation. As days go by though, I tend to feel less and less hurt, which seems to help. I overcame something I thought I would never overcome, with another of my best friends, and we're even better friends now... maybe I can do this? Maybe I can actually get through this terrible situation I'm in, and end up with something better. In Young Women's on Sunday, we talked about sacrifice, and giving up something good, for something better. I suppose giving up the thing I want most with this person, will result in becoming better friends. I hope so, at least. I do believe it would be better for me, anyway. My heart, and emotions are so scattered, and shaken, that I don't believe they can handle this whole process again. I hope all I do is for the better. Who knows what the better is, but whatever it is, it's better, right? I've given up hope, and my frustration thickens each time I try. I know this sounds so utterly cheesy, but I don't know how else to explain everything I've been feeling these past few.. whiles.. Well, I suppose it's time for me to end this. It's been somewhere around 15 minutes since I started writing this, which is obviously a mistake. After all, I did promise Jenny I would be done writing in 10 minutes. Then again, time is irrelevant.