Sorry for the lack of posting lately, every time I tried to blog, I got too angry and clicked the big red X. So, here is an update of my feelings as of late. Mainly, I wrote this last night, while I was extremely.... something. I don't know. You take what you want from it, and I'll take what I want from it. So.. here goes?

I'm stuck here at the beginning, making the same mistakes I made before, hating myself more than ever. I don't understand how so much could come into me, and I never knew how much my feelings could be distorted and twisted, into a whole new ugly hate. I don't know what to do with myself, and as I sit here, with Pink Floyd running through my mind, I think of a select few. As fresh tears dampen my face, I have a certain longing to dream myself away, and wonder if it truly is possible. I don't see how someone could hurt me so much. Me, Michelle, someone who has known pain and hurt from an early age. Yet, it doesn't seem to matter, it still hurts, and my recent mistakes make this feeling burn even more into a bleak nothingness. My stomach, sinks, turns, like quicksand, as I reflect, and regret, everything I've said in the past few hours. I feel so ignored, depressed, but mostly, abandoned. I try, so deeply, to reach out, make contact, forgive... but I can't suppress my rapid annoyance, and better yet, jealousy. I don't know how to handle these raging extremities. I fear I will go insane. Sometimes I fear I am bipolar. I don't like the thought of having no control over my emotions. Things come and go, but everything takes time. I suppose all of this is for my own comfort, writing this, and for my own sympathy. I crave attention, I crave the feeling of love from a true provider, someone such as my Mom. I crave many things, and yet these cravings are left unsatisfied. Disillusioning myself from reality won't be very easy, but I am sure it will eventually happen. It's the only thing I am sure of at this time, and I know that I will be happy. Finally. Truly.